The Real SG1 Watches An Episode
by Meriem Clayton
Summary: Part of a series with The Real Gate What if there REALLY was a Stargate Program and the series is a government plant? How would the real SG1 react to an episode of the TV series?


Disclaimer

This story was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt has been made to copyright any characters which may not have been originally created by the author, and no profit is made from this work of fiction. Any original characters and the stories themselves are the property of the author.

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Colonel John O'Malley, Major Marti Parker, and Dr. David Johnson were lined up on the couch and their Jaffa teammate, Hil'en, sat in a nearby armchair with the remote. There was never any taking it away from him. He now refused to sit on the couch with any of the others because that put them in reach to possibly make a grab for it. The DVD was in place and they were all waiting for him to actually click on the Season 5 Stargate episode selected for this week's MST at John's house. "Before we start, please confirm that you are the one who approved this particular episode ColonelO'Malley," Hil'en said to his silver-haired team commander.

John winced. He had known it would come out. In fact that they probably already knew and Hil'en was just rubbing his nose in it. The Air Force had a sign off on all Stargate: SG1 scripts and part of the process was having one of the real SG-1 team read it to vet it from the SGC perspective. The movie and the series had been the government's idea in the first place to soften up the public for a positive reaction when the Stargate was revealed and also as a mechanism to dismiss any rumors that surfaced prematurely as in, "Just another fan who can't tell the difference between truth and fantasy." It behooved the government to make sure that the show did, in fact, continue to serve their objectives. It had been his turn to review the script when this particular benighted episode had come their way. "What was I smoking?" he wondered to himself when he remembered how much had gotten by him on that particular script.

"Yes, I did, Hil'en," he replied pugnaciously, in a tone of voice that clearly communicated "Do you want to make something of it?"

"And it is David's turn to take the lead on the commentary?" Hil'en continued, gesturing toward the linguist/archeologist.

John winced again. David and he had been having a certain amount of tension ever since John had insisted that the two of them leave GriffinCon early without giving David sufficient opportunity to explore Stargate fandom as represented there. David would not be kind.

"Oooh yes," David said, smirking at John.

"All right, Hil'en, pull up your socks and let this horse out of the gate," John snapped.

David stage whispered to Marti, "Do I get to do commentary on him too. I mean talk about mixed metaphors." His blond, blue-eyed female teammate snorted but elbowed him in response. Unlike David, she was military and John WAS her commanding officer. A modicum of respect seemed in order.

John said to no one in particular, "It might pay SOME people to remember that I was in special ops and very good at it. There are all kinds of ways to take someone on the team out during a mission and make it look like hostiles did it."

David took on a very affected tone of voice and said, "I'm so scared."

This earned him a particularly hard elbow jab from Marti. "You're not as cute as you think you are when you do that," she told him in a true whisper. "It is NOT a turn on. Think about that." David bit his lip. He was extremely interested in what turned Marti on or off and she knew it.

Hil'en had started the episode, trying to get the group on task again but had to pause it when the doorbell rang. They all looked at each and John said, "I sort of asked Janice to join us. I hope no one minds?"

"It's a very large couch," Marti said and she and David traded very knowing looks. They scooted way over so that the only place for Dr. Janice Blazer to sit was smack up against John. When everyone had exchanged their hellos and the ground rules had been explained, Hil'en started the DVD again.

During the credits, they each took a turn standing and bowing when the actor playing their particular character was acknowledged. There was a little bit of awkwardness connected with acting silly in front of a new participant, but Janice immediately entered into the spirit of the evening and they all relaxed quickly. On the screen, the team had gated to a new world and were encountering the local humans for the first time. David said, "The aliens on this planet have all studied English as a second language in school. Notice absolutely no problems in communicating despite the fact that they appear to have been brought to there from a Roman culture."

"You beat that theme to death every time you do the commentary," John grumbled. The episode progressed with the others throwing in replacement dialogue as the rules permitted for their own characters. Only the evening's moderator made general comments and was free to do any character.

David raised his voice a half octave which was the signal that he was going to do Daniel. "Oh praise the Lord, I've been healed. I can SEE! I'm not SNEEZING!" On the television, Daniel was, indeed, for no apparent reason, not wearing his glasses and none of them could remember the last time his allergies had seemed like an issue. As if this was a subconscious suggestion, David's own allergies did suddenly kick in then and he had a sneezing fit. John, always prepared in combat of any kind, immediately said, "Man down, man down. I will assume command."

The television SG-1 had been through a pretty rough patch. As they made their way back to the gate, John said in his version of Sam's voice, "I'm so glad I had a full make up kit and hair styling accessories in my backpack to keep me looking so fresh and well made up."

John's Daniel voice, which he made unfairly sound slightly prissy, said, "And thank God for that hair wax in my backpack. You know how important it is to me to look as hunky as possible."

David flashed an appreciative look at John for that sally. John knew that David had an almost phobic reaction to Michael Shanks' haircut contrasted with his own shaggy, academician's hair.

As the television SG-1 trooped out of the gate room, Janice was so exasperated that she forgot the rules and blurted out, "Let's just traipse alien microbes all over the place here. What is the major defect with no routine decontamination procedures?"

John said, looking admiringly at Janice, "You'd never let us on base like that, would you."

"Damn straight," Janice affirmed. John noticed that Hil'en was about to hit pause and he shook his head and looked at Janice with a finger to his lips.

Dr. Janet Fraiser was now busy on screen checking out the SG-1 members. John, departing from his natural deep Mississippi drawl, said in the dreadful Molson's beer commercial voice he always used for Jack O'Neill, "This is actually professional courtesy here, eh, Doctor, you and me. I did an internship and residency years ago under the name Dr. Jeff Weber."

Janice surprised them then by speaking for her character for the first time, choosing to differentiate the voice from her own by becoming lower and more sultry, "I would certainly enjoy going over your .. charts… with you sometime Jack."

A ghost of a smile crossed Hil'en's face but Marki and David were openly entertained by this bold move by their friend Janice. She didn't notice their reaction because she and John were exchanging a very interested look. David cleared his throat and John was reminded of his narrative duties quickly enough that Hil'en wasn't forced to hit pause.

The episode wound to a close with John and David in much better charity with each other than when it had started. David followed him out to the kitchen to help get another round of drinks for everyone for the post-viewing critique and general bull session. "Hey, John, I'm sorry I've been sort of pissy about the whole GriffinCon thing," he apologized. John smiled an acceptance and appreciation for the olive branch and went back to the family room.

Before David could follow, Marki entered the kitchen, sidled up to him, and kissed him very thoroughly. "You know, Davey, I read some really interesting Sam/Daniel fan fic right before I came over here. Maybe we could, oh, critique it after."

"Oh, really?" David asked, slightly wary. "It wasn't some of that angsty stuff was it? I mean we had sort of a rough patch a couple of weeks ago when you read through all those posts about Daniel being depressed over Sha're. We don't have to discuss how I really am over Brooke again, do we?" David's ex-wife Brooke was a sweetly neurotic woman that David, actually almost as tender hearted as the fictional Daniel, had never been able to stop taking care of on some levels even though marriage was definitely over.

He was exasperating Marki but she visibly made an effort to get past it. "David Johnson, do I seem angsty to you?" and she kissed him again.

As they returned to the rest of the group, David whispered to Marki, "Let's go back to your place after and try something in the hurt/comfort category, skipping right to the comfort."

As John said goodnight to everyone, reclaiming the remote before Hil'en absent-mindedly carried it out the door, he felt really good about his team. For a moment he fantasized that there really was a Jack O'Neill so they could compare notes, help a little with the loneliness of command. "Ya think?" he chided himself, as he closed the door.


End file.
